Remembering....

two years ago yesterday, my best friend, Chris committed suicide. He was my friend since birth, we went to the same schools together in California. We used to spend hours playing in my yard, in our special tree house. we would pretend that we were pirates, sailing the oceans, the wind in our hair. but apparently it wasn't enough. I almost forgot about it. but then i looked at my calender and started to cry. I wish i could have left a dozen roses on his grave. i know molly, his mom, would have been there, at his grave yesterday. i should have been there. I miss you Chris.

A dark and dreary day it could have been,
A funeral procession,
Heads hung in mourning numbers,
A young man in infinite slumber,
Buried in rich red velvet and dark mahogany;
his friends and family in agony.
They ask, "Why did he want to leave?
To go, and make us grieve?"
The thick gray headstone might have read,
Our son, Forever, we lay him to bed.
Then they'd walk away, weeping
And he'd just be sleeping...

That was the way it could have been,
After weeks and months, maybe ten
Years would go by, and someone would query
"Who was that boy, so young it was eerie,
That he would want to die,
Even before he gave life a try."
Or ask, "Think of his mother, what must she feel?
Does she still think if this is actually real?
Or does she wish her son will still come home?"
Even though now his soul might roam
In the wide open world he needed so severely,
Despite the people he hurt so badly...

That was almost the way things turned out,
Death seemed the only way to go about
The confusion inside his heart and soul,
That pain added to all other hurts-the whole
Suffering-that came with the package.
All that bottled emotion turned to rage,
he found a self-destructive outlet,
his way of screaming, but being quiet
Enough for no one to hear
his pain, and all that fear
Of dying in that grotesque way,
Wanting to go, needing to stay...

That is not the way things are now,
he has learned, and he knows how
To feel pain and cry, letting it all go,
And float away with the breeze, so
he is happier, his mother doesn't ask "Why?"
his friends don't wear black, marching by
his grave, his family doesn't weep
At the memories they so painstakingly keep.
Now, all together they can sit in the sunshine,
Making new memories and laughing away the time.
he loves what life gives him, even if it invokes a tear
To form, he is glad to even be here.

new crush

you know what i love? the feeling of a new crush...

i love the feeling you get when you walk into class and see them. you know what feeling i'm talking about. the one where your stomach gets all butterflyie, and you instantly smile and say hi to them, and when they say hi back your heart skips a beat? yeah. thats great.

i love getting to know them. unwraping each and every complicated fiber that they are composed of. its like a drug, the more you know, the more you want to know, which just leads you to want to know more. its a never ending cycle. and just when you think you know everything, you learn something new.

i love the looks they give you. wheather they like you or not, you are both getting to know each other, and each look is new. which makes it all the more special. i especialy like the "oh my gosh a'lea. you are so crazy" look. its diffrent for everyone, but the basis of the it is still the same.

i love the new friends you get to know because of them. because usualy you'll meet one that you can crush on too, and then you get to have doubble the enjoyment.

but mostly, i love how everything is new with a crush. every look, every detail, every conversation is new. and i will always love that. i will always love having a new crush. its change, its fun, but mostly its a time to make new friends.

I'm Back!!

ahhh.. it feels good to be happy again! it feels good to look at the world and see the best again. it feels good, to no longer have anything tieing me down! it feels good to flirt with the hottie in my computer tech class, it feels good to talk to old friends, and it feels good to have my brothers gone!! jk, well, not quite. it feels AMAZING to experiance the cold again, its awsome that i had BBQ chicken pizza for dinner, and you know whats even greater? i've finally decided that 15 is too young to be worked up over stupid drama!!! it won't matter in a week anyways! besides, when i'm 20, i'm going to look back on all of this and say "wow. i can't believe i was ever that shallow!" so why even get worked up? sure one of my best friends isn't talking to me, but, so what? i still have five more! or is it six? hmmmm... lets count this out...
Chelsea, mckell, shania, spencer, kason, and zack.. yep! thats six! but you know what? i owe these people some MAJOR thanks! they have all been there for me when everyone else ran away, they pulled me back into reality, and pushed me into imagination, these people have each taught me diffrent valuable lessons! chelsea taught me that no one EVER has the right to tell you what to do. Mckell taught me that even though boys are stupid, you should just let yourself like them. Shania showed me how to have fun, with out "breaking the rules". kason taught me that no matter what life throws at you, just remember that god and the people closest to you love you. and finaly zack... zack taught me how to insult someone with out ACTUALY insulting them. :D i love you all!!! and, well, i don't even want to think what i would do without you. and i know i can be over dramatic, and overly sarcastic, but you guys love me any ways, right? you know what makes me laugh? i don't think any of them will read this. but hey! it feels good just to write it. i love all my best friends, and hope you will never leave me!

i'm only fifteen....

why is it, that at age fifteen, i feel like this?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've been heart broken three times?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've lost my home, a friend, and some family members?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i'm totaly and completely in love with a guy who loves another girl, that treats him like crap?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i have been the rebound girl for three diffrent scum bags?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've gotten over the two scum bags, but i just can't seem to shake the feelings for the third, even though he doesn't even like me?
and why is it, that at age fifteen, i have to go through this?

the reason is simple: i brought it upon my self.

quote of the day

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

"I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know"

the truth

I'm not a stranger. No, I am yours. with crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore.
i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breath in.
I'm tired of feeling so alone
relief exist only when i am cut.

Every morning i wake up, hopping that you'll see.
these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you'd just look me in the eye.
I'm tired of hearing about all the other girls, i just want you to talk to me. to just me. not who you hope i could be, or who I'm not, i just want you to talk to me.
you always say you feel alone, but I'm right here. i always have been. how do you think that makes me feel? crushed, broken, and defeated.
I'm here now, but i can only wait so long. my heart can only take so much.

everyday, i pretend. pretend I'm not hurting, pretend it doesn't matter. i smile, and say I'm fine. but when a person asks, they don't really want to know. they are just serving themselves. making themselves feel better. and i know that, and yet i pretend.
but the problem with pretending is that eventually, you loose track of whats a lie, and whats the truth. but as soon as i try to show people what you do to me, I'm rejected. I've set the standard. I'm supposed to be happy. not broken. so i go back to pretending. and the cycle starts again.

how can you not see? i treat you so much better. i love you, whether your happy, sad, broken, fixed, mad, heart broken. it doesn't matter. its you who i love. just you. if only you could see that. if only she wasn't messing you up, clouding your vision. but if there's one thing I've learned from you its this:

the only time I'm not pretending is when I'm with you.

Imortal Rain

"I just don't want to see you get hurt" Courtney pleaded. "I've seen it happen so many times, and I don't know if I can bear it again."

"Oh believe me." I replied. "He's hurt me enough. but I'd much rather have him in my life, causing me pain, than not in my life at all. Because not having him, would hurt a hell of a lot more. And you may say he's not worth it, but he is! He is the light in the sun, the heat in the fire, and the melody to my song. He is my everything. And though he may not realize it, he is my air...my everything."

"but is he worth it? all this pain?"

"yes. He is worth everything."

~~~~"Imortal Rain"