new crush

you know what i love? the feeling of a new crush...

i love the feeling you get when you walk into class and see them. you know what feeling i'm talking about. the one where your stomach gets all butterflyie, and you instantly smile and say hi to them, and when they say hi back your heart skips a beat? yeah. thats great.

i love getting to know them. unwraping each and every complicated fiber that they are composed of. its like a drug, the more you know, the more you want to know, which just leads you to want to know more. its a never ending cycle. and just when you think you know everything, you learn something new.

i love the looks they give you. wheather they like you or not, you are both getting to know each other, and each look is new. which makes it all the more special. i especialy like the "oh my gosh a'lea. you are so crazy" look. its diffrent for everyone, but the basis of the it is still the same.

i love the new friends you get to know because of them. because usualy you'll meet one that you can crush on too, and then you get to have doubble the enjoyment.

but mostly, i love how everything is new with a crush. every look, every detail, every conversation is new. and i will always love that. i will always love having a new crush. its change, its fun, but mostly its a time to make new friends.

I'm Back!!

ahhh.. it feels good to be happy again! it feels good to look at the world and see the best again. it feels good, to no longer have anything tieing me down! it feels good to flirt with the hottie in my computer tech class, it feels good to talk to old friends, and it feels good to have my brothers gone!! jk, well, not quite. it feels AMAZING to experiance the cold again, its awsome that i had BBQ chicken pizza for dinner, and you know whats even greater? i've finally decided that 15 is too young to be worked up over stupid drama!!! it won't matter in a week anyways! besides, when i'm 20, i'm going to look back on all of this and say "wow. i can't believe i was ever that shallow!" so why even get worked up? sure one of my best friends isn't talking to me, but, so what? i still have five more! or is it six? hmmmm... lets count this out...
Chelsea, mckell, shania, spencer, kason, and zack.. yep! thats six! but you know what? i owe these people some MAJOR thanks! they have all been there for me when everyone else ran away, they pulled me back into reality, and pushed me into imagination, these people have each taught me diffrent valuable lessons! chelsea taught me that no one EVER has the right to tell you what to do. Mckell taught me that even though boys are stupid, you should just let yourself like them. Shania showed me how to have fun, with out "breaking the rules". kason taught me that no matter what life throws at you, just remember that god and the people closest to you love you. and finaly zack... zack taught me how to insult someone with out ACTUALY insulting them. :D i love you all!!! and, well, i don't even want to think what i would do without you. and i know i can be over dramatic, and overly sarcastic, but you guys love me any ways, right? you know what makes me laugh? i don't think any of them will read this. but hey! it feels good just to write it. i love all my best friends, and hope you will never leave me!

i'm only fifteen....

why is it, that at age fifteen, i feel like this?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've been heart broken three times?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've lost my home, a friend, and some family members?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i'm totaly and completely in love with a guy who loves another girl, that treats him like crap?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i have been the rebound girl for three diffrent scum bags?
why is it, that at age fifteen, i've gotten over the two scum bags, but i just can't seem to shake the feelings for the third, even though he doesn't even like me?
and why is it, that at age fifteen, i have to go through this?

the reason is simple: i brought it upon my self.

quote of the day

Dreaming comes so easily
Cause it's all that i've known
True love is a fairytale
I'm damaged, so how would I know?

"I'm scared and i'm alone
I'm shamed and I need for you to know

I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me
I didn't say all the things that I wanted to say
And you can't take back what you've taken away
Cause I feel you, I feel you near me

Healing comes so painfully
And it chills to the bone
Won't let anyone get close to me
I'm damaged, as i'm sure you know"

the truth

I'm not a stranger. No, I am yours. with crippled anger, and tears that still drip sore.
i do not want to be afraid
i do not want to die inside just to breath in.
I'm tired of feeling so alone
relief exist only when i am cut.

Every morning i wake up, hopping that you'll see.
these scars wouldn't be so hidden if you'd just look me in the eye.
I'm tired of hearing about all the other girls, i just want you to talk to me. to just me. not who you hope i could be, or who I'm not, i just want you to talk to me.
you always say you feel alone, but I'm right here. i always have been. how do you think that makes me feel? crushed, broken, and defeated.
I'm here now, but i can only wait so long. my heart can only take so much.

everyday, i pretend. pretend I'm not hurting, pretend it doesn't matter. i smile, and say I'm fine. but when a person asks, they don't really want to know. they are just serving themselves. making themselves feel better. and i know that, and yet i pretend.
but the problem with pretending is that eventually, you loose track of whats a lie, and whats the truth. but as soon as i try to show people what you do to me, I'm rejected. I've set the standard. I'm supposed to be happy. not broken. so i go back to pretending. and the cycle starts again.

how can you not see? i treat you so much better. i love you, whether your happy, sad, broken, fixed, mad, heart broken. it doesn't matter. its you who i love. just you. if only you could see that. if only she wasn't messing you up, clouding your vision. but if there's one thing I've learned from you its this:

the only time I'm not pretending is when I'm with you.

Imortal Rain

"I just don't want to see you get hurt" Courtney pleaded. "I've seen it happen so many times, and I don't know if I can bear it again."

"Oh believe me." I replied. "He's hurt me enough. but I'd much rather have him in my life, causing me pain, than not in my life at all. Because not having him, would hurt a hell of a lot more. And you may say he's not worth it, but he is! He is the light in the sun, the heat in the fire, and the melody to my song. He is my everything. And though he may not realize it, he is my air...my everything."

"but is he worth it? all this pain?"

"yes. He is worth everything."

~~~~"Imortal Rain"

Quote of the Day

"In the beginning, the universe was created. This had made a lot of people VERY angry and has been widely regarded as a bad move..."

~~~ Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy

Winter

Haven’t you ever noticed it? The distinct beauty of when everything’s white, and silent, it’s more beautiful than even the best of summer days. And then, just when you think winter can’t get any more beautiful, the sun sets, and the world changes. The snow glows orange, and pink, slightly glittering in the fading light. and then, in the background, the sun reflects off of the icicles, creating streams of purple through the frost bitten air, rays of light that make even the darkest corner of my soul, bright again. It’s absolutely breathtaking. People wonder why I love winter so much, but with beauty like that… who couldn't’t?

i decided to try it.

My friends have blogs. all of them in fact, so I thought it as my duty to give it a try. Now, don't expect me to spill my guts, because I won't, but I will write things, and post pictures, and quotes, and stuff. but like I said. don't expect any of this "dear blog" crap. I just don't do that. but I'm going to give this a try, and see if it helps me, or if its as useless as it seems.

~~~ A'Lea